im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
