You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
