I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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