I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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