All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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