I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Randomize
