I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize