Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
