i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
