I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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