one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
