also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
