I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Send help, water and tortillas.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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