i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
