Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
