Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
