Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
