I need to stop coming to work sober
our cab driver is having phone sex.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
