Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
