My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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