I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
