Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
