You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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