I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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