Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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