my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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