Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You took a bar mat shot.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
