Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
