just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
