as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's just like the Real World with babies
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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