i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
