and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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