I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
