This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
