I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
