T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
