Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
