just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
