I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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