My liver just broke up with me...
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I would fuck him just for his dog
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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