wrigley field is MILF paradise
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
