The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
whose parrot is this?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
