He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
