I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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