I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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