you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
