The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
