Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
