The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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