I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
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