went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
