How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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