how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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